Seven Reasons Why Being A Mom Is Like Having A Concussion

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Last night, I went into my home’s basement crawl space to take inventory of the eleventy billion trucks my sons never play with down there. After several minutes of picture-snapping, I totally forgot where I was, as I often do, and STOOD STRAIGHT UP. Because the ceiling was only about 4 feet tall, I DRILLED my head on it and nearly knocked myself the f*ck out. I yelled all the profanities, rocked back and forth like a psych ward patient, and bleated like a wounded barnyard animal before slowly crawling out of the torture chamber. Tottering back upstairs, I made it safely to my laptop and went straight to Google. “What are the symptoms of a concussion?” I typed. I sat there for a good 15 minutes, soaking in all the wisdom WebMD had to offer, and then it dawned on me. I CONCUSS myself every single day, because most of these symptoms apply to me on the regular.

1). Confusion or feeling as if in a fog. Hello?! I’m a mom of three boys, including a set of twins! I feel like I’m sludging through the three pounds of play sand formerly known as MY BRAIN just to summon the ability to help my third-grader with his math homework every night. “Am I smarter than a fifth grader?” I’m not even smarter than a kindergartner.

2). Dizziness or “seeing stars.” This symptom manifests on a daily basis. I am constantly bending over to pick up Skylanders underpants carelessly strewn behind the toilet (which makes me see the dried pools of pee at the base of the toilet so I have to spend 10 revolting minutes wiping it up, trying not to get any on my hands, and holding back my gag reflex). When I’m not scrubbing toilets, I’m bending down to rescue the 30,000 germy Lego pieces of the Millennium Falcon before someone steps on one and gets a staph infection. Each time I pop back up to the surface, I get a massive head rush, causing me to black out and stagger around like the Bride of Frankenstein until I can see again. / 7 Reasons Why Being A Mom Is Like Having A Concussion

This was taken in the BACK SEAT of a sedan. Can you imagine how much hearing loss I suffered that day??

3) Ringing in the ears. Repeat after me: NOISE POLLUTION. Living with three boys, four if you count my husband, is like being an airport ramp agent. (You know the guys that wear the big spongy ear muff thingies so that they don’t suffer hearing damage from the roar of 747s)? Only I didn’t figure this out until I was, like 3 years in to being a Mom, at which point I started wearing foam ear plugs. Even with those on, it still sounds like my boys are using a bullhorn when they ask me for Goldfish.

4) Slurred speech. This started happening once I discovered the magical, soothing, healing properties of WINE. The slurring occurs mostly just on weekend nights. And the occasional Tuesday. Mondays too. Oh, hell, it’s EVERY NIGHT, OK? Don’t judge me.

5) Delayed response to questions. This is simply a method of survival. If I promptly answered the 12, 326 questions posed to me by my kids on a daily basis, I’d turn into a robot. A robot that would malfunction, complete with smoke pouring out of its robot ear-holes, coils springing out of its robot ass, and deadly laser beams shooting out of its robot eyeballs. So. I take my time. I appear to be intensely ruminating over every question I’m asked, but I’m actually counting to 1,000 in my head. Most of the time, my kids give up and walk away.

6). Appearing dazed. See #1-4, above.

7). Fatigue. I have an 8-year old boy and twin 5-year old boys. I don’t know about girls, but boys don’t stop moving. Like, ever. They break dance IN THEIR SLEEP. They hurt things, break things, stain things, move things, soil things, drop things, bounce things, eat things, and pee on things. “Fatigued?” More like brain-dead. Which brings us full circle. I think I’ve made it clear I’m a walking brain hemorrhage, so why are you all still SITTING there? Get up and call an ambulance . . . stat!

Seven Reasons Why Being A Mom Is Like Having A Concussion

14 Comments on “Seven Reasons Why Being A Mom Is Like Having A Concussion”

    1. Ashley

      I couldn’t even use it as an excuse when I actually thought I HAD one! My husband was like, “Ohhh, no you don’t. You’re fine.” Thanks for reading and commiserating, lady!

    1. Ashley

      Ha! I went to bed that night thinking about it. A new post was long overdue! It turns out my concussion symptoms were side effects of my low-carb diet. Lightheadedness being first on the list! Maybe I should do a “Why Being A Mom Is Like Being On A Low-Carb Diet” post? 😉

  1. WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion

    I thought #5 was a symptom of pregnancy. ‘Tis not. I do believe it’s now a permanent part of my personality, which sucks because I spend a lot of time saying stuff like, “Ummm….” Or “Duh……”

    1. Ashley

      Ha! Noooo, it’s like a perpetual state of being. I’m told it gets even worse when you have teenagers. Can’t WAIT for that! Thanks for reading, Steph! 🙂

    1. Ashley

      Healing up nicely. I now bark like a dog whenever the doorbell rings, but aside from that, I’m as normal as I can be. Thanks for reading, lady!

  2. Drew Clarke

    Funny stuff. I’ve suffered eight concussions in my life, so I can attest that your symptoms are consistent with a concussion. I don’t know how you mothers do it. I still occasionally hear people spout the anachronism that stay-at-home-moms don’t really work. What a bunch of crap. The dad’s are getting off easy when they leave for their job each morning. No wonder my mom was always pissed off. Just raising me would be more than a handful but me and three other boys. That’s some frightening shit.

    I wouldn’t worry about the wine unless you start pouring your first glass before The Price Is Right comes on.

    1. Ashley

      Lol, so if memory serves, Price Is Right is around 11? No, I definitely wait till noon. Jusssst kiddin! 😉 Being a mom of boys IS pretty frightening – you put that quite eloquently, lol. It’s joyful too. Boisterous joy is the best way to describe it, lol. Thanks for reading and commenting, my friend. 😀

  3. Helena

    This makes total sense.
    I thought maybe, while each child leeched their share of nutrients, they also took brain power, and well, after five kids, and common core, I’m a blundering idiot.
    But concussion makes way more sense…..

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