Merry Thanksmas: A Holiday Rant

Cirque du Today36 Comments

Give Merry Thanksmas a chance!

Ok, it’s two weeks (give or take) before Thanksgiving, and I have a confession to make. I’m one of THOSE people – the kind that is champing at the bit to get my Christmas on BEFORE Thanksgiving. There, I said it. Let the judging begin! But first, people, let’s think about this. This year, Thanksgiving’s on November 24th. If I waited until the 25th to decorate, that really only leaves THIRTY DAYS to celebrate Christmas!

My mom always used to say, during the day after Christmas doldrums, “Girls, let’s remember that Christmas is really 12 days. It begins on Christmas Day, and doesn’t end until the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6, which is when the Wise Men brought gifts to Baby Jesus.” Blah, blah, blah, Mom – shove it up your frankincense! Christmas ends on Christmas night, when Santa calls it a year and squeezes his fat white ass into a first-class seat to Tahiti. When you wake up on December 26th, it’s OVER, and I’m sorry, 30 days isn’t enough time to really enjoy it.

I give you, The Griswold Family Christmas Tree!

She’ll see it later, honey. Her eyes are frozen.

I still love Christmas just like I did when I was little. There is SO MUCH WORK to do for Christmas when you’re an adult, and I will get to that a little later, but that won’t stop me from loving it. I love the decorating, because it reminds me of my Grandma, who was the Queen of Christmas. I knock myself out every year, trying to make it as special for my kids as she always made it for me. I love the smells of Christmas, mixing a homemade potpourri of water, orange slices, cinnamon sticks, cloves, and ginger, and letting it simmer all day long on the stove.

I love the Christmas music, fa-la-la-ing my lungs out and driving my kids crazy, just like my mom did when she inflicted her operatic caroling on us. I love the Christmas food – especially the cheese ball that I make only once a year, that everyone at my house thinks is gross except for me, and that ends up getting shoved down one throat and one throat only. (Recipe: take a jar of port wine cheese and a carton of Philly Cream Cheese, mix it all together, form into a ball and slap some nuts on that sucker. Food of the gods, I promise you). I love my favorite Christmas drink – egg nog spiked with bourbon and stirred with a cinnamon stick.

I love Christmas movies. So. Many. Christmas. Movies. I love the old ones like White Christmas, A Christmas Carol, It’s A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street. I love the funny ones like Bill Murray’s Scrooged, A Christmas Story, Elf with Will Ferrell, and my all-time-favorite, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (which I enjoy quoting even more than I enjoy watching. (“Hey Griswold, where you gonna put a tree that big?” “Bend over, and I’ll show ya.”)

And those are all my happy places during Christmas. The other, adult places (k, that sounds skeevy) represent a SHIT-TON of work that I have to jam into 30 DAYS! Why can’t I start jammin’ in the name of the Lord RIGHT now, Bob Marley style? Why couldn’t I have started two weeks ago? Everyone is all up in arms about Black Friday, and how it takes away from retail workers getting time to spend with their families, and shoppers getting time to spend with their families. Guess what, folks? If society weren’t so judgy about ALL THE CHRISTMAS THINGS happening immediately after Thanksgiving and not before, maybe –just maybe – Black Friday could be on, oh, I don’t know, November 1st??! Then we could get all the deals and buy all the things, and come Thanksgiving, everyone could soak up the chaotic, dysfunctional family time instead of worrying about setting their alarms for the ass crack of dawn on Black Friday.

Merry Thanksmas - Scrooged

Best drunk bag lady ever.

Furthermore, if I had 60 days to celebrate Christmas, instead of 30, I could get all my decorating done in early November without getting judgy glares from my neighbors; and I could send out my Christmas cards along with my cheesy Christmas letter in November without all my friends and family laughing at me; and I know I’m shooting for the stars here, but maybe I could even get a little super secret wrapping done in November, when my kids aren’t creeping around every corner hoping to bust me! THAT WAY, I could actually ENJOY the month of December instead of cramming all of my Christmas tasks into 30 days, and stumbling back and forth, stopping this, starting that, spinning round and round, and looking to all the world like a drunk bag lady! Then, to add insult to injury, the drunk bag lady doesn’t even get to take one breather to enjoy the fruits of her labor, because by the time she has it all done, it’s time to take all the merry shit down again! And if you don’t do it lickety split after Christmas, guess what? More judging.

Why can’t we merge Thanksgiving and Christmas? It doesn’t mean we’re going to be any less thankful at Thanksgiving, so why are we keeping it so sacred? I’m sorry to be a kill-joy, but let’s REALLY dig in here. (Get it? Dig in? Like all the eating on Thanksgiving? Like we’re digging into the food and . . . never mind). Thanksgiving Day actually did occur historically, but it was not a peaceful maize-and-turkey-bread-breaking among the pilgrims and the Native Americans that all our elementary school textbooks led us to believe. It was the day the Massachusetts governor back in 1637 proclaimed a day of giving thanks for the safe return of a band of heavily armed hunters, who had just massacred 700 Pequot Indians. And the Thanksgiving-worshipers want me to hold off on my Christmasy merry-making for THAT horse shit?

So if that’s not the reason, then what is? Preserving the sanctity of one day of approved over-eating? Why do I have to keep Thanksgiving and Christmas separate? Why can’t I slog egg nog on Thanksgiving while screeching out Christmas carols, eating my cheese ball, watching Christmas Vacation, enjoying my lights twinkling on the Christmas tree, AND being grateful for everything I have in my life, INCLUDING the fact that I have all my Christmas chores done and now get to relax the whole month of December?! [Bag lady gasps for air, drops mic, kicks a stuffed turkey, exits stage left].

Merry Thanksmas: A Holiday Rant

36 Comments on “Merry Thanksmas: A Holiday Rant”

  1. Amy

    Let the decorating begin! It all kicks off tomorrow (I mean today SHOULD be Thanksgiving after all). Once again we are robbed a week of prep…hate to tell ya…already checked the 2015 calendar. Looks like things get back to normal in 2016 and we get our week back!

    1. Ashley

      I honestly think I’m going to start decorating tomorrow! Should be the talk of the neighborhood, lol. Thanks so much for reading, my friend!

  2. Drew Clarke

    Ashley,

    That was a world class rant. Your new holiday could be Thankmerry Christmasgiving.
    There are so many myths surrounding the origins of Thanksgiving, you don’t know what to believe. I like to believe that we thanked the Native American named Squanto who saved Jamestown from being utterly lost due to famine. But, I agree with you that what we were taught in school is bullshit. You wouldn’t have a meal with a neighbor who’d killed your father and raped your sister.

    I hope you can forgive me for abandoning you on Facebook. It had to be done and I am in a more peaceful place as a result. Jessica keeps me abreast (I said a breast- huh, huh, huh. Yeah, yeah that’s like a boob. I know Beavis, that’s why I said it. Said what?) of your posts.

    Joke: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

    I hope all is well and if it’s ok with you, I’ll shoot you an email from time-to-time.

    1. Ashley

      Lol, good one, Drew!! I’m going to have to share that with my Dad – he loves corny jokes! 😉 I have missed you on FB but totally understand why you left. I absolutely want you to email me – I love hearing from you. All the best to you and Jessica! I hope you have a wonderful Indian-killing Day. (Happy Thanksgiving, lol).

  3. Mommy Needs A Swear Jar

    Thanks for the history lesson! But I’m right there with you. It’s SO much work and we have to cram it into less than a month? Baloney. But I have this random Christmas stuff sitting on my desk that I just can bring myself to display (other than as clutter on my desk) because Thansgiving has not transpired. Ash, there are rules. I’m a good-girl, anal-retentive, Type A rule follower. My hands are kinda tied. 🙂

    1. Ashley

      I understand – I just think I’m going to take back a few days so that I can have at least 30 days to enjoy Christmas! I’m gonna start decorating tomorrow, damnit!

  4. Leigh-Mary

    [Bag lady gasps for air, drops mic, kicks a stuffed turkey, exits stage left].

    FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC.

    Love the whole thing.

    MERRY THANKSMAS!!! Wrap that shit up and tie it with the biggest red bow you can find!!

  5. Bridgitte

    do it, merge them! I won’t judge you…of course I grew up in the same Christmas loving household so maybe I’m not the unbiased opinion you need. Sorry. :/

  6. Pattie

    I am relenting on the idea of keeping the bird and the fat man separate. I think that retailers are the reason that people don’t want Christmas before Thanksgiving. I was annoyed when Kohls had decorations up in October. I was all like ‘dafuq is all this crap’? The cashier agreed with me. I like the decorations, movies, carols, booze, food, etc I just don’t want it in October. Also, kids. They have no concept of time and when Christmas starts in October they don’t get why it takes 1, 496 years for Christmas morning to finally arrive. Enjoy your season, Ash. The judging stops next week!

    1. Ashley

      Yeah I hate the October decorating – that is too much, even for me. Feels fake. I think mid-November is a good time for it, though! Then we could actually enjoy Christmas for a little over a month…it’s just too short as it stands now. I’m busting out the decorations tomorrow!! Thanks for reading, lady – love you!

  7. Teri

    If you come to my house and clean, cook and decorate for me, I may be inclined to NOT give you judgey looks for starting so early.

    1. Ashley

      Hmmm, ok, deal! I actually have come over to friends’ houses for the sole purpose of stringing lights on their tree. I’m sort of a tree illumination specialist [cracks knuckles, sniffs proudly]. 🙂 Thanks for reading, my friend. xoxo

    1. Ashley

      I definitely don’t like when they break out the decorations in October…it feels false to me. I agree with you there! But I get sooo excited in November when I see the Christmas stuff come out on lamp posts, etc in the strip malls. Kinda cheesy, I know, but it just makes me happy. 🙂 Thanks so much for reading, Liv!

  8. PPB

    I totally love this. Christmas is sooooo awesome. It makes me happy. This post made me happy. You make me happy. xx

    1. Ashley

      You complete me, Sandrea. Christmas really IS the most wonderful time of the year. 🙂 Thanks for agreeing with me – I love you even more now!

  9. jack halford

    The realism of your blog hit me with feelings of Nostalgia, Laughter, Warmth, and I feel totally on the same page as you.
    My Christmas cards are waiting to be sent and I have put my wish list for presents out to the family.
    I love Christmas and would not want my christmas dinner ruined one month early by eating turkey on thanksgiving!
    God bless you and your family xxx
    Jack

  10. Drama Queen's Momma

    I love Christmas too! But then (almost 16 years ago) I went and had a December baby. Then the guilt set in about decorating the house in all it’s Christmas Splendor BEFORE his birthday party (which also deserved decorating splendor, of course….He was my first baby….so shut it!) So it became a tradition to decorate AFTER his party every year. So now, we get about 3 weeks of decorations (if we are lucky and I am not lazy and procrastinate setting up the tree IMMEDIATELY after his birthday on the 3rd) But don’t you worry….I make up for it by not taking down my tree until late January. Don’t judge me. I can’t help it that I am super lazy and that tree is a beast. <3

    1. Ashley

      Well that is very sweet of you to put aside your Christmas workload to make his birthday special. You’re a saint! And no judging from me, girl – EVER. Thanks so much for reading, xoxoxo!

  11. Pam

    I am so with your mom – the twelve days of Christmas start on December 25th and end in January!!
    When you have four birthdays to deal with between November 22nd and November 29th, plus turkey day, Christmas just can’t start until December. And I am NOT putting up all that crap, I mean, all those lovely decorations, for anything less than a month!

    Can’t we all just send St. Patrick’s Day cards instead????

    1. Ashley

      Lol, well you have good reasons to continue on into January! I put my stuff up last week and it feels pretty good to have it done…all except the tree and the outside lights. That’s gonna take forever! Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and good luck with the birthday parties!

  12. Jenn Rian

    I’m with you, Ashley! We’re Christmas Crazy in my family. My mom has all of her Christmas decorating inside and out done before Thanksgiving. We start playing Christmas music as soon as possible and Christmas lasts until after New Years! We just LOVE Christmas and whoever doesn’t like it can stick it in their corn-cob-pipe and smoke it!

    1. Ashley

      Hahahaha, that’s awesome! I started early this year for the first time ever – this post and all the support it got gave me the gumption to do it! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Jenn!

  13. Jo-Anne

    Ok for me Christmas is over by the 27th Boxing Day is still a big part of Christmas for me it is the day when we recover, have to say it is now the first and I still have to finish taking down my Christmas decorations because well I am a tad lazy……………..

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