The Super Bowl is tomorrow, but I’m not one of those women who gets really excited about football or gives a pig’s ass about what’s going on in the game. I’ve actually managed to avoid it like the plague most of my adult life, but then I became the wife of a football fan. (A New York Giants football fan, to be specific). He’s the kind of fan that paces around like a caged tiger while the game’s on, hunching down on the floor pounding his fists and bleating like a wounded goat when something bad happens, and shooting up from the floor like a bottle rocket when something good happens.
I’m forced to endure these shenanigans, but I’ve learned to get through most football games (including the Super Bowl) with the help of my two leetle friends. My first leetle friend’s name is Junk Food. There are few events in life that condone the over-eating of some of my all-time favorite foods: potato chips, French onion dip, Doritos, heated jars of liquid cheese, Doritos, Buffalo wings, Doritos, seven-layer-dip, did I mention Doritos? The Super Bowl is a jackpot for my friend Junk Food, and it can’t get here fast enough for either of us.
My other leetle friend is my inappropriate alter ego—we’ll just call her Chardonnay-nay—and she is a visionary with the sense of humor belonging to a prepubescent boy. It was Chardonnay-nay who told me, with a damned good Gandhi impression, that life is full of soul-healing inappropriateness, if one chooses to listen hard enough. She taught me that, even when at a playgroup with a bunch of normal, socially appropriate stay-at-home moms, I could find a “That’s what she said” opportunity approximately twice a minute. Back doors, bottoms, drawers, ovens, meat, buns, anything about size, something getting stuck, something being easy, something being hard, any mention of a ball—I mean the list just goes on and on. From the first moment she spoke to me, Chardonnay-nay helped me take a fresh take on . . . well, just about everything.
Chardonnay-nay also taught me that football Sundays are the PERFECT time to unleash my Beavis-and-Butthead giggles, because 9 million sexual innuendos are consistently uttered by the NFL announcers. Have you ever noticed that? As a result, I just cuddle up in front of the boob tube and snort, guffaw, and point at the TV screen, all the while elbowing my eye-rolling husband and stuffing my face with Doritos. In case you don’t know what in the Vince Lombardi I’m talking about, allow me to break some commonly used football terms down for you, along with Chardonnay-nay’s definitions.
1). Ball Carrier. This is a player who likes to fondle his junk.
2) Flex-bone. This is a play wherein the players can feel a little poke coming through.
3) Fullback. This is a player who’s got an ass that just won’t quit. Growing. It won’t quit growing.
4) Gunslinger. I don’t know what this is, but I do know that the NFL named Brett Favre the greatest gunslinger of all time. I also know he can sling that gun at me anytime. (Hay, Brett, hayyyy).
5) Halo violation. This is when a player loses his virginity. It’s super cute.
6) Hand-off: This maneuver always makes me think of jerk-off and/or hand-job so I tend to think all three terms are synonymous.
7) Hard-count. This is how long it takes a player to become erectile functional.
8). Hidden yardage. This is when a team is for some reason hiding away their God-given endowments. Don’t hide your light under a bushel, boys. Share it with the world!
9). Hot read. This is how most players feel about Fifty Shades of Grey.
10). Loose ball. This is when a player’s jockstrap has failed its main duty. (Ha. I said “duty”).
11). Muff. This is a vintage fur that the players use to keep their hands warm. Wink.
12). Package. Special delivery? Can’t wait to see what I got!
13). Penetration. Do I really need to define this one for you?
14). Pump fake. This is when a player pretends to hump (or pump) the end zone after scoring a touchdown but is like “psych!” and doesn’t actually complete the act. (I think this is tied into the player’s “completion percentage,” which is also a football term. I’ll take 6 points for this one).
15) Punt. This just rhymes with a dirty word so it’s dirty.
16). Sack. No way to sugar-coat this one. I mean, you can sugar-coat nuts. Those would actually be pretty tasty. Buuuut . . . not the sack.
17). Slobber knocker. Use your imagination. If you’re not a dirty weirdo like me, then don’t bother.
18) Tight end. A player whose ass gets taxed like the Government! In other words, he does lots of squats to get his ass tight, and that must be extremely taxing.
19). Tweener. I just like this ‘cause it sounds like “wiener.”
20). Wishbone. This is when a player seems to be fully invested in playing the game but is actually jonesing for a boning.
Whelp, my work here is done. I hope I’ve added a meaningful layer or two or seven to your Super Bowl enjoyment. If you need me, I’ll be over here covering myself in Dorito dust.