How Many Moms Does It Take To Draw A Heart?

Cirque du Today14 Comments

This week, one of my five-year-old twin boys, Drew, and I sat down to do arts and crafts. (He actually pronounces it “arts and craps,” and I’ll never correct him since it pretty much sums up how I feel about doing this activity).

“Let’s draw and cut out a big heart,” I said. “Then we can decorate it.” Not exactly Martha Stewart-worthy, but HE doesn’t know that. He’s FIVE.

“Okaaaaay,” he said slowly, and picked up the marker I gave him.

“Just try to make the heart big enough so that we can cut it out and have enough room to decorate,” I added.

“Mmmhmmm,” he nodded, with his tongue starting to stick out from his concentration on the task at hand.

Old Person's Ass

Old Person’s Ass

 

What he produced on the construction paper looked more like an old person’s saggy ass than a heart.

“Oh, honey, do you not know how to draw a heart? Here, let me show you.” Famous last words.

I tried drawing the dashed lines so he could connect the dashes. I tried guiding his hand, over and over, as he made the shape of the heart. I tried drawing the heart for him and having him trace over it. TWENTY minutes, 30 failed hearts, and 10 pieces of paper later, I started hearing the voices. You know the voices. All the different Mom Voices that start talking at the same time when you are attempting to teach your kid something new and failing miserably?

Like the Mean Mom voice. The Mean Mom was yelling, “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Why can’t this kid GET IT? He’s FAILING arts and craps!”

And the Guilty Mom voice. She was wringing her hands and muttering, “It’s all my fault. I should be drawing with him more. I’m not doing enough. I’m not BEING enough.”

The Tired Mom was about to face-plant from the exertion of adding a fruitless heart-drawing activity to her already busy day, and could just barely be heard when she whispered, “Can’t we just give up and watch TV?”

The Cheerleader Mom was doing back-flips, sticking the landings, and abruptly barking, “IF YOU CAN’T DO IT, NO ONE CAN!”

The Lushy Mom (who also goes by Chardonnay-nay) was looking at her watch and asking, “Is it too early for a glass of wine?”

The Melodramatic Mom was bawling, poking her eyes out with the markers, trying to slit her wrists with construction paper, and wailing, “I’m WORTHLESS! I can’t even teach my freaking kid to draw a heart! Death by a thousand paper cuts!”

The Blamer Mom was pointing fingers like she was on Law & Order and thundering, “What are those kindergarten teachers GOOD FOR, for chrissakes?”

Finally, the Think-Outside-the-Box Mom spoke up after listening to all the others, and said to her five-year-old son, “Why don’t you try writing an uppercase ‘V?’ There you go. And now, make two mountains at the top of the ‘V.’ Yes. YES! YOU DID IT, BABY! YOU DREW A HEART!”

And he did do it. Drew drew a heart. He was too exhausted from the effort, however, to do the rest of the craft. And I was relieved. I was already late for my date with Chardonnay-nay.

How Many Moms Does It Take To Draw A Heart?

14 Comments on “How Many Moms Does It Take To Draw A Heart?”

    1. Ashley

      Glad you enjoyed that one, Bridge!! 😀 Thanks for reading, sis! (Not everyone in our family does, you know. In fact, hardly anyone)!

  1. Uncle Dubs

    And cheers to the Heartful Writer Mom who captured this precious time with her handsome son for us to share – that memory shall linger far longer than a glass of vino! I can report that the tenderly rendered “Old Person’s Ass” sent me to the full length mirror with a hand mirror for some deep reflection. Please tell the artful lad that he done REAL good and I shall present a copy to my proctologist for Valentine’s. Ever-flowing admiration and an abundance of nectar-spilt blessings upon ye all come Love’s Precious Day. I shall be handing out little candy hearts bearing this inscription: “no one butt you.” xoxo

    1. Ashley

      Hahaha, you are as witty as ever, Uncle Dubs! I always look forward to your comments – hilarious. Thanks so much for reading, friend. 😀

  2. Jo-Anne

    Ok this cracked me up because I have been through this myself when my middle daughter was around the age of 4 she just couldn’t get it and in the end I told her it was her style of heart and gave up trying to get her to do it like a normal heart shape

    1. Ashley

      That’s so funny! I guess I should’ve given in too. It’s just I have a lot of guilt about their fine motor skills, shape and letter formation, etc. They will get it eventually but it’s my guilt that’s driving the crazy bus. 😉 Thanks so much for reading, Jo-Anne!

  3. Drew Clarke

    Hey Ashley,

    I can’t imagine too many worse ways to die than bleeding to death from 1,000 paper cuts. For the record, I’m glad reason carried the day and you did not die a slow, tortuous death. It seems akin to being stabbed to death with a sewing needle. I need heart drawing remediation myself because I am incapable of drawing one. The top invariably looks like a pair of gonads. It must be a Freudian complex. Hope you had a wonderful holiday season.

  4. Sara

    I prefer the “ass” heart. That is a true artist. I have a 4 year old boy and don’t get me started on the number 5 or the letter k…geezus! Just don’t. This is hilarious!! I usually have a date with Whiskey-Kee.

    1. Ashley

      Whiskey-Kee, lol! Teaching them new things is HARD, especially writing. Ugh, I’m not cut out to be a teacher, that’s for sure! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Sara/Whiskey-Kee. 😀

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