I’m pretty sure if I were in a master’s program for psychology, I would
propose a thesis in which I got a job as a grocery store clerk, in order to
perform well-rounded analyses of each person that came through my lane, solely based on their appearances and purchases. Hypothetically speaking, one of my analyses could go something like this:
Tall Caucasian woman in her late 30s.
Pony-tailed, dirty blonde hair (and by dirty, I mean unwashed).
Three kids accompany her, all boys.
Her eyes look dead and glassy but probably blue.
Kids’ saline nasal spray and Childrens’ Motrin mean her kids are most likely sick.
Frozen adult-size dinners: she is either lazy, hungry, or strapped for time. Probably all three.
Five bags of frozen dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets: she has totally given up on offering healthy foods to her stubborn kids.
Three bottles of Shout stain remover: her kids are dirty and messy.
Two bottles of wine: she chooses to self-medicate.
Bottle of adult ibruprofen: for the day after self-medicating.
The latest US magazine: her method of escape is reading idiotic blather and gazing at photos of skinny bitches she can never hope to look like.
A box of Lucky Charms, a box of iced sugar cookies, and a box of mini-muffins: bribing her children yields positive results.
A family-sized bag of Doritos: there will be no “family” participation in their consumption!!!
Hypothetically speaking, I’m pretty sure my hypothetical professor will give me an A.