Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?

Cirque du Today2 Comments

I’m pretty sure if I were in a master’s program for psychology, I would
propose a thesis in which I got a job as a grocery store clerk, in order to
perform well-rounded analyses of each person that came through my lane, solely based on their appearances and purchases. Hypothetically speaking, one of my analyses could go something like this:

Appearance:

Tall Caucasian woman in her late 30s.

Pony-tailed, dirty blonde hair (and by dirty, I mean unwashed).

Three kids accompany her, all boys.

Her eyes look dead and glassy but probably blue.

Purchases:

Kids’ saline nasal spray and Childrens’ Motrin mean her kids are most likely sick.

Frozen adult-size dinners: she is either lazy, hungry, or strapped for time. Probably all three.

Five bags of frozen dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets: she has totally given up on offering healthy foods to her stubborn kids.

Three bottles of Shout stain remover: her kids are dirty and messy.

Two bottles of wine: she chooses to self-medicate.

Bottle of adult ibruprofen: for the day after self-medicating.

The latest US magazine: her method of escape is reading idiotic blather and gazing at photos of skinny bitches she can never hope to look like.

A box of Lucky Charms, a box of iced sugar cookies, and a box of mini-muffins: bribing her children yields positive results.

A family-sized bag of Doritos: there will be no “family” participation in their consumption!!!

Hypothetically speaking, I’m pretty sure my hypothetical professor will give me an A.

Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?

2 Comments on “Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?”

  1. Shell

    I knew I liked you, now I want to know if we can be best friends ;0)!! Hysterical…in the way you are only laughing because you have been there or pretty damn close. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Yes, Yes, anything if you’ll just get up off the filthy grocery store isle floor!”, as I wrestled a squirming whining child with a fistful of bubble tape, ring pops or whatever I could grab, still slide my credit card and get out of the store with an ounce of dignity.
    I have been the victim of many a steely eyed glance from a grocery store checker and thought, “Don’t judge me, dammit!”

    1. Ashley

      Nowadays I just keep from meeting the eyes of all the judgers and pretend I don’t see anything except the store’s Exit signs. 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting, Shell!

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