Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?

Cirque du Today2 Comments

I’m pretty sure if I were in a master’s program for psychology, I would
propose a thesis in which I got a job as a grocery store clerk, in order to
perform well-rounded analyses of each person that came through my lane, solely based on their appearances and purchases. Hypothetically speaking, one of my analyses could go something like this:


Tall Caucasian woman in her late 30s.

Pony-tailed, dirty blonde hair (and by dirty, I mean unwashed).

Three kids accompany her, all boys.

Her eyes look dead and glassy but probably blue.


Kids’ saline nasal spray and Childrens’ Motrin mean her kids are most likely sick.

Frozen adult-size dinners: she is either lazy, hungry, or strapped for time. Probably all three.

Five bags of frozen dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets: she has totally given up on offering healthy foods to her stubborn kids.

Three bottles of Shout stain remover: her kids are dirty and messy.

Two bottles of wine: she chooses to self-medicate.

Bottle of adult ibruprofen: for the day after self-medicating.

The latest US magazine: her method of escape is reading idiotic blather and gazing at photos of skinny bitches she can never hope to look like.

A box of Lucky Charms, a box of iced sugar cookies, and a box of mini-muffins: bribing her children yields positive results.

A family-sized bag of Doritos: there will be no “family” participation in their consumption!!!

Hypothetically speaking, I’m pretty sure my hypothetical professor will give me an A.

Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?

2 Comments on “Cirque du Today: Grocery Clerks or Fortunetellers?”

  1. Shell

    I knew I liked you, now I want to know if we can be best friends ;0)!! Hysterical…in the way you are only laughing because you have been there or pretty damn close. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Yes, Yes, anything if you’ll just get up off the filthy grocery store isle floor!”, as I wrestled a squirming whining child with a fistful of bubble tape, ring pops or whatever I could grab, still slide my credit card and get out of the store with an ounce of dignity.
    I have been the victim of many a steely eyed glance from a grocery store checker and thought, “Don’t judge me, dammit!”

    1. Ashley

      Nowadays I just keep from meeting the eyes of all the judgers and pretend I don’t see anything except the store’s Exit signs. 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting, Shell!

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