Dear Blue Bear (You S.O.B.)

Cirque du Today12 Comments

Dear Blue Bear (You S.O.B.) /

Four weeks ago, something traumatic happened in this household. As a result, I wrote a letter on Facebook to the person, er, thing that was causing all the strife. The letter was met with an avalanche of support from people who wanted to help. So I wrote a letter to them too. Here are those letters.


Dear Blue Bear,

Two nights ago, your five-year-old friend, Drew, who has been your faithful companion of ohh, FIVE years now, told you to Shut Up. I know this because his twin brother, Zach, came down after bedtime to tattle on him. (He called it being a “good reporter,” NOT a tattler. For the record). I am sure this incident must’ve hurt your feelings. How do I know it hurt your feelings? Because, Blue Bear, you son of a blue bitch, you have decided to disappear! Since yesterday! The “morning after” this “Shut Up Incident” occurred! I know you’re pissed off, Blue Bear, and you’re trying to make some sort of a point, but I’ve gotta be honest. I’m losing my patience. I was up with Zach, who was puking from a stomach bug ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT. Drew is probably going to be the next puke victim, and he’s going to need you! My husband is about to go on a trip and leave me alone with the boys – three REAL LIVE ACTUAL ANIMALS – and I don’t have time for your shit, Blue Bear. I’ve been looking for you for TWO DAYS. I have gone through trash cans, Blue Bear. I have turned over every single couch pillow in this house. I have army crawled under beds, fighting dust bunnies, and I have SERIOUS allergy issues, Blue Bear! I have looked in every single toy bin in this house, every closet, every trash can! Don’t be a dick, ok? Just this once? Do you remember when I found you hiding in the dining room hutch drawer that no one ever uses? How about the time I found you behind the floor fan in the twins’ room, the one that’s so pressed up against the wall, no one in their right mind would ever think a diabolical little asshole bear would ever find his way into that space? And the time we had to have you shipped back from Disney World? Admit it – you just wanted ONE MORE DAY to jack around in the Magic Kingdom! We ALL DID, you selfish bastard! As if the letdown from coming back from Disney weren’t enough, poor Drew had to go into Blue Bear Withdrawals for DAYS while you took your sweet ass time getting back here!

I am BEGGING you, ok? Drew is crying. He is drying his tears with a plush Minecraft SHEEP at night!! He KILLS Minecraft sheep all day long when he’s playing Minecraft! Do you have any idea what it does to a kid’s psyche when he’s SLEEPING with the very thing he’s killing for food and supplies in his Minecraft world? (Me either, but it’s probably not good).

Bottom line, Blue Bear. You better come back out from whatever TAMPON BOX you’re hiding behind, you little bitch, or DON’T COME BACK AT ALL!

Sincerely, Your Loving Surrogate Mommy

P.S. I didn’t mean that last part about you not coming back.
P.P.S. But I did mean the part about you being a bitch, you little vengeful, possessed CHUCKY BEAR!!!! Come back so I can kick your ass!


**One day later.**

Dear Friends,

I would like to inform all of those who sent their concerns, shared their conspiracy theories, and donated reward money, that the prodigal pain in the ass, Drew’s Blue Bear, has returned. He was found by my husband, cowering upstairs in the guest room dresser, at approximately 10:30 a.m. EDT.

We may never know where he REALLY has been for the last two days, but we are begging anyone who has information to come forward. Just in case we need to get him a rabies shot or have him treated for venereal disease. Despite reeking of cigarette smoke, holding a paw full of little blue pills, sporting some lipstick impressions, and nursing what he termed “a real bear of a hangover,” he seems to be intact and relieved to be home again. Drew promised to never tell Blue Bear to shut up ever again, and Blue Bear was so touched that he was rendered speechless.

Either that, or he was just being a dick.


Never miss a new Big Top Family post! Subscribe here!

I’m in a book, yo! It’s called I Still Just Want To Pee Alone!  You can buy it by looking over at yonder right-hand sidebar on any page in this whole dang blog, and clicking on either Buy A Signed Copy via PayPal or Buy An Unsigned Copy from Amazon! Do it – it’ll make you feel good!


Dear Blue Bear (You S.O.B.)

12 Comments on “Dear Blue Bear (You S.O.B.)”

  1. Snarkfest

    I guess Blue Bear showed you who rules the roost, didn’t he? I’d double check the rest of the stuff female animals in a few months, you could have some grandbabies you weren’t expecting if he was spreading his seed while on the lam (or lamb, if you will).

  2. Drew Clarke

    The very last line of this post made me shart. So, tell Mr. Blue Dick that he now has that to further burden his conscience. I’m glad you explained what that thing was in the photo sitting beside Mr. Blue Bear on the bed. It looked like the progeny of Humpty Dumpty and a Pokemon.

    1. Ashley

      It IS pretty freaky! When I was taking the picture, I think it was trying to hypnotize me or something – I got lost in its weird sheep eyes. I’m happy to have made you shart – adding that to my list of achievements! Yes! Thanks for reading, buddy!

  3. Michelle AKA Crumpets and Bollocks

    I know this story too well. My Gabby’s favorite thing was a blanket. What happened was one time I went to my mom’s house with my baby, and I didn’t have her in a coat because it was warm outside to me. We had just moved back home from Wyoming, so what was cold to my mom is totally warm to us. So my mom refused to let me leave without covering my baby in a blanket, so she grabbed my dad’s old blanket. The one he died covered with. And Gabby hasn’t slept without that blanket since. She’s 8 years old. The blanket has torn to pieces, and she sleeps with her favorite piece of the blanket enjoying the smell of the dirt for whatever reason.

    Now in Puerto Rico, we go visit inlaws. My FIL is straight old school Puerto Rican. “This is ridiculous your kid and that blanket. I’m going to throw it away to teach her to live without it.” All right all-knowing FIL whatever. So we go to the beach, and we drive to the end of the street, and Gabby was like, “My blanky. I want my blanky.” My father in law, “no. I’m not turning around for a blanky.” She cried for over an hour: the entire trip to the beach and for the first half hour at the beach.” The rest of the week, my father in law wouldn’t leave anywhere without asking, “Gabby, do you have your blanket.” I can’t help but to laugh because these old school parents think they know it all.

    Now my Annie has her Sheepy. She, unlike Gabby, doesn’t mind exchanging stuffed animals, but she has to have a blanky. It doesn’t matter which one. It just has to be one of those baby blankies from Walmart. That has been awesome because I just buy new ones when we lose them.

    1. Ashley

      I love that your FIL learned that lesson up close and personal – the hard way! Lol. These objects have such power over ALL of us! Thanks for sharing your story, Michelle!

  4. amy

    Too funny! I remember getting a frantic call from a friend we’d seen earlier in the day. Here daughters “doo-doo” (doggy) was missing and she’d been crying for over an hour trying to get to sleep. I tried to remember the last place I’d seen him, but she’d already checked there. Two hours later (after 10pm!) I suddenly remembered I’d seen the kids taking stuff in and out of our diaper bag. Sure enough, “doo-doo” had slipped in! I called my friend and dropped him off at her house… “doo-doo’s” owner was still awake, and very happy to see her friend!

    1. Ashley

      It’s so funny when you have that EUREKA moment! Most of us don’t have the memory or brain power to recall something like that – good for you! You’re a hero. Blue Bear was in that dresser because Drew had been helping me put away laundry and had put some of his pj’s away in the wrong place, along with this blue bear! If I’d only remembered he’d been helping while carrying around his bear….sigh. Thanks for sharing, Amy!

  5. Liz

    Haha, great story. If he was in Vegas, you’ll never know what really happened. My friends bought 3 “clones” of the favored stuffed animal, figuring when one goes missing they’re covered. I would’ve thought their son would somehow “know” which was the right one, but the problem was he had to have ALL of them, so in the end their troubles tripled!

    1. Ashley

      Lol, I know someone who had the same thing happen to them, with twin doggies! Whoops, major backfire! We spent an hour looking for both those doggies one night!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *