Cirque du Today: The Coffee Wizard

Cirque du Today4 Comments

I’m not sure why I’ve always had to jump through hoops to make the nasty little coffee wizard that lives inside my coffee maker do his job. Our last coffee machine, which we had for 10 years and took no less than 15 minutes to brew one pot, made us push the On button, then the Brew button, then the On button again – no deviating from that order – then both buttons at the same time before we could see the magical little green light turn on. (Occasionally, my husband or I would have to add in a rendition of the Doobie Brothers’ “Old Black Water,” while spinning 3 times and tossing 9 packets of Splenda over our right shoulder). Our “new” coffee maker, purchased six months ago, worked perfectly at first and took 7 minutes to brew. Within a week, it was making a horrible knocking noise like the little coffee wizard was being scalded to death while desperately trying to fight his way out. Then the filter chamber became possessed, opening midway through the brew cycle, trickling muddy water all over the counter and eventually the floor. Today, I have to stand there beside the machine, beating it back with one of my sons’ Nerf swords in one hand to keep the little wizard in, and protecting my other hand with an oven mitt so I can hold the steaming filter chamber closed. Only now I’m singing Beastie Boys’ “You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party” at the top of my lungs like a deranged lunatic. Starbucks, anyone?

Cirque du Today: The Coffee Wizard

4 Comments on “Cirque du Today: The Coffee Wizard”

  1. Rachell S.

    Great story! I finally had to put my coffee maker in the cupboard because I felt it was just mocking me, sitting on the counter. There were always grounds in the coffee, no matter how hard I tried to place the filter just right. Or the water would somehow miss the grounds altogether, giving me a pot of very, very light brown water. Now I know it is the coffee wizard doing all this…such a relief! Really enjoying your stories.

  2. Amy

    Ash! Must ask Santa for a Keurig for Christmas! Bless your heart…that will give you a guaranteed good cup of joe!! Love your blog…love your stories!

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