I’m Having Two Penises?!

AshleyCirque du Today20 Comments

My husband and I staggered out of the ultrasound technician’s office after being told we were having twin boys and decided to table our freak-out session until his work day was finished. We drove off in our separate cars, me heading to Dunkin’ Donuts, and him probably skipping work and hitting a bar. What was especially jarring to me, combined with my terror of multi-tasking, was that we were in the process of building a house. The house wasn’t supposed to be ready till early-June, and that had been carefully planned for a singleton baby with a July delivery date. These twin penises were probably going to pop out early, and it dawned on me while I was still at Dunkin Donuts caking my face with white, powdery goodness, that they were going to be born either just BEFORE or DURING our move.  Panic set in. Actual heart-attack-simulation panic. But that didn’t stop me from grabbing a sixer of Munchkins before I ran out the door clutching my chest.

The problem—besides the fact that moving sucks a Fatty on its own, WITHOUT even throwing a 3-year-old and twin infants in the mix—was that along with being Multi-Task Dysfunctional, I have a life-threatening Change Allergy. After a childhood of moving almost annually until I was 16 years old, you would think I would have developed a happy-go-lucky and adaptive attitude towards changing my environment. Oh, you sweet, naïve, simple person (she says, shaking head and clicking tongue condescendingly). If you think that, well then you think WRONG beeatch! No, I have actually developed the tendency to unleash an eye-gouging, foaming-at-the-mouth, profanity-laden tirade on anyone who MAKES ME MOVE. Just ask my traumatized husband. And if you make me uproot my three-year-old kid, even though clearly he doesn’t have the gypsy childhood I did, it opens up a Pandora’s Box of Mommy Guilt filled with freakish mood swings; abrupt and loud weeping; long, moaning periods on the floor in Child’s Pose; hours spent holding and rocking myself in the corner; lifeless moments curled in the fetal position; and any other psychiatric ward standard that feels mildly comforting. On top of all the bloodcurdling change being inflicted upon myself and my child, if you make me simultaneously deliver twin penises smack dab in the midst of all this, well then grab the buttered popcorn and a plastic poncho because you are in for a SHIT SHOW.

With this cluster eff of anxiety still swirling in my head, I showed up for my OB appointment a few days after the Twin Reveal. While he was checking out the heartbeats, I asked my doctor how in the DAMN HELL this was happening to me. Was it because my husband and I both had identical twin cousins in our family?

“No, I’m afraid not,” he answered. “Identical twins are formed from the splitting of one egg, and that isn’t a tendency that’s hereditary. Regardless, you are having fraternal twins, which consist of two different eggs being fertilized. Typically when a woman of your age conceives fraternal twins naturally, it’s because the body is producing and eliminating more eggs to prepare for menopause.”

A vinyl record scratched loudly in my head, and as he kept blathering on, all I could hear was menopause, menopause, menopause echoing over and over. How fucking OLD does he think I am?! And while the second part of that menopausal sentence was something about “eliminating eggs” all I heard in my head was egg dump, egg dump, egg dump, egg dump. I can’t be sure, but I think that’s about the time I started cackling like a disturbed bag lady, while the little Beavis and Butthead soundtrack in my head went: Uhhhh, your ovaries, hahaha, have taken, hahaha, a massive EGG DUMP, hahahaha. After what felt like 10 minutes, I found my doctor looking at me strangely and inching backwards to reach for the Crazy Pregnant Bitch Emergency Rescue Button.

“I’m ok, I’m ok, really,” I said sweetly. “Please go on, doctor.”

Clears throat. “Umm, yes, so as I was saying, our office has a strict policy of putting our twin moms on bed rest at 28 weeks. We believe this is non-negotiable for promoting full-term twins with higher birth weights.”

That’s when the sarcastic, jokester voices in my head stopped laughing, and I started wailing in a way, they tell me, much resembled an ambulance siren. It’s also when the good doctor decided to go ahead and give that button a push.

Please see the next installment of this Twin Trilogy, which already has a working title: “If You Thought Your Ass was Big Before, Try Sitting On it for Two Months.

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AshleyI’m Having Two Penises?!

20 Comments on “I’m Having Two Penises?!”

  1. Gary Sidley

    I can only begin to imagine the impact of discovering that two more kids are on the way (rather than the expected singleton). And if I understand correctly, ovums are more likely to split and produce identical twins the nearer you get to menopause? I learn something new each day!

    Good luck with your rapidly expanding family.

    1. Ashley

      Hi, Gary – thanks so much for your comment, especially because it made me look back at my post and realize I’d left something out. I corrected it, but basically I left out the part about fraternal twins being conceived because there are two different eggs. So that’s important info that links to the whole egg dumping line of thought! The splitting egg is really just a freak of nature and can happen to any woman, any time! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment! Looking forward to checking out your blog!

  2. Danielle

    Mandatory bedrest at 28 weeks?! That is absurd. I worked until I was 34 or 35 weeks pregnant with twins and had them at 39 weeks by cesarean (I wasn’t even ready then). My babies were 7 pounds 4 ounces and 6 pounds 9 ounces. I know that is not normal for twin pregnancies, but mandatory bed rest seems a bit extreme. You poor thing, as if getting twin baby weight off isn’t hard enough let’s have you sit and eat for a few weeks with no exercise and have you work that weight off too. Love the description of your donut feast.

    1. Ashley

      Danielle, mine were 7 pounds each! I have never heard another twin birth weight trumping mine. Go you! Sigh, if I could’ve avoided the bedrest, I would’ve, but I didn’t want to push back. I just took it lying down (heh heh heh). Thanks so much for reading and commenting. 😀

      1. Danielle

        Wow, 7 pounds each! That is awesome! Don’t you just sort of chuckle on the inside when someone with a singleton is complaining about how big they are or how ready they are to have their baby….and it turns out to be a 5 pounder?!

  3. Rachell S.

    Wow.
    I don’t think I’ve ever read such a forthright and honest description of the shock and surprise of learning there are two babies growing inside your body. In the movies/TV shows, they always show the dad’s over the top reaction and I have always wondered, “Yeah, but what about the MOM??” I honestly just sat, looking out my window for about 10 minutes after reading this, trying to take it all in. You write in a way that makes the action seem to be happening right now. I even (almost), walked down to the corner donut place to calm my own vicarious panic attack. And I gave up donuts two years ago!! Great in-the-moment writing, Twin Mom! Looking forward to the next bit of this Twin Trilogy!

    1. Ashley

      Hi, Rachell – you are too funny with your donut thoughts. I have to admit, I must’ve hit Dunkin Donuts 20 times or more during my first 20 wks of pregnancy. What’s funny is that I can’t stand to eat Doritos while pregnant. Yep, it’s true. Sad but true. Thank you, as always, for reading and commenting, my faraway friend.

  4. Samantha

    I think we must’ve been separated at birth. I have a change allergy too!!! Unless, of course, I am the one suggesting the change. Then it is a mere sensitivity. How did you not throat punch the doctor? I’m sure that would be bad form, but I wouldn’t have blamed you. I spent my last 3 months on bed rest. Did it make you grouchy? Did you have to duct tape your son to the wall? I can’t wait to see how this went.

    1. Ashley

      Hi, Samantha – another change allergic blogger? I have to wonder if you were a chronic mover now too, or what else could put a person off change? I’m sure there are tons of other reasons out there. And like you, it doesn’t quite apply when I’m the one trying to effect the change. 😉 Wow, 3 mos on bed rest. That is tough. I have a friend on hospital bed rest now and I know she is going crazy. I will let you know how it turned out in the next post but I feel like this saga could go on forever if I don’t speed it up! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    1. Ashley

      I believe, Kristin, you refer to the night I got karaoked-away and started babbling to a disinterested crowd about birthing 14 pounds of baby? I’d be hurt if you forgot about that ( but please try. Please). 😉 Thanks for reading, my freighbor!

  5. Pattie

    When I was 5 months an ultra sound indicated the chance of twins…whatever in the hell that means. I was pretty freaked especially since my husband wasn’t home at this time. In fact he didn’t get home until I was 7 1/2 months and I had no way to share this ‘news’ with him. Which is just as well as it ended up being a shadow or something else, not a baby.

    There would not be enough booze in the world if I’d had twins.

    1. Ashley

      Yikes, Pattie, glad you dodged that bullet! Twins on your own would be pretty tough – it takes a village. Or two! Going to get busy reading your new blog post now! Thanks for reading and commenting!

  6. Silvie Armas

    You are definitely a trooper 7 lbs each, wow! I remember when I was told we were expecting twin girls. My hubby was in shock for a week. LOL Unfortunately we lost the babies at 30 weeks. A couple years later we were blessed with my 3rd lil guy. 🙂

    1. Ashley

      Thanks so much for reading, Silvie, and so sorry for the late reply. I have 3 boys with strep over here so my blogging is at a stand-still! I am so sorry for your loss of your twins – that is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing that, it helps to put everything in proper perspective.

  7. Mackenzie

    I have had five children and with each (single) pregnancy, my greatest anxiety was the possibility of twins. I tip my hat to all moms of multiples!

    1. Ashley

      Wow, Mackenzie – I had no idea you had FIVE! Wow! You are a rock star in my book. That has got to be much more challenging than having twins! At five years old, my twins are now in a sweet spot and pretty easy. I’d never go back to the first 2 years, though, even if you paid me. Shudder. 😉

  8. Drama Queen's Momma

    My husband and I were TERRIFIED that I was going to have twins because his dad was an identical twin AND his mom miscarried twins. You can’t even IMAGINE my relief when the ultrasound showed ONE little alien. (You KNOW that is what babies look like in that first ultrasound! With that big ole head and little tiny body! lol) Whew! And now we are done.

    You handled that VERY well. LMBO

  9. Maddie

    I really want twins. I may be like the only person ever. It’s kind of steange but my 3 best friends each have a set. We moved 13 times before I was 12 so I completely feel you. I want to move now and then hyperventilate when I think of what it entails!

    1. Ashley

      Moving is a huge source of anxiety for people who’ve moved a lot! Twins are a huge source of anxiety for the first 3-4 years, and then it’s smooth sailing until the homework starts (times two). Next year it starts for us – aghhhhh! I’m terrified. Thanks so much for reading, Maddie!

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