I’m A Multi-Tasker Disaster

Cirque du Today36 Comments

When my son turned two, I was just getting the hang of the Mom Thing. It was still tough, though, don’t get me wrong. Being a colic baby, my son had remained sensitively wired and prone to meltdowns. He also had WAY TOO MUCH ENERGY. But I was about to turn 33, and my husband and I decided that even though we weren’t ready for the shell-shock of another infant, the clock was tickin.’ We started trying to conceive one month before my birthday, thinking, Who knows how long it’ll take? One month later, I was pregnant. I was lucky to be able to conceive so quickly, so I don’t want to seem ungrateful when I say I was shitting bricks, but I totally was. (There were actual bricks.  I’m in the Guinness Book of World Records).

Being one of six kids, and having a taste of what it was like for my mother to manage all those kids at a time (think Survival Mode; think Barely Organized Chaos), I was terrified. I didn’t think I was genetically capable of multi-tasking, and there was tons of proof. Take my work history. My first real job was at a drugstore, and I was just a measly cashier. On Senior Citizen Tuesdays, with all those mean geriatrics lined up to pay for their Geritol and Depends Undergarments with a 15% discount, I would get so flustered I’d forget how to work the idiot-proof cash register. After that nightmare, I thought it’d be a great idea to be a waitress. It was a suck fest. I couldn’t even remember to smile and chit-chat with the customers, as most wait-people are prone to do if they want a fat tip. I was so focused on my most important task, which was not screwing up their order, that I could barely remember my own name. So I would end up with a robotic script, and all I wanted to do was stick to the script and bring people food! Essentially, I was the waitress version of “Seinfeld’s” No-Soup-For-You Soup Nazi.  Hi, my name is Ashley, welcome to Ruby Tuesday. Can I take your order? What? How am I doing? HOW AM I DOING? Do you really want to know how someone you’ll never SEE AGAIN is doing, or do you want your effing breadsticks with honey butter? NO BREADSTICK FOR YOU!

I could detail my other forays into multi-tasking (shoe salesperson, NANNY, proposal writer), but I don’t want to scare you. Suffice it to say, my self-confidence was low when I got pregnant with my second child. I knew, however, that I had 9 more months to prepare myself. So I went about my merry way, growing my belly baby and raising my son as best I could in a constantly exhausted manner. As the months and OB visits passed, I found I had more issues than I’d had with my first pregnancy. First it was anemia, which explained all the exhaustion, and then it was a thyroid issue (easily fixed with some meds), and then it was some wonky blood test results. The wonky results worried my husband and I, as well as the doctors, so we were sent to the ultrasound technician to check everything out. This was right around 20 weeks, when I’d be getting an ultrasound anyway.

When we got inside the ultrasound room, the technician was making chit-chat with us. My husband Todd told her about our weird blood test results, and she said, “Well, you know, sometimes people just get skewed blood test results because they are having twins.”

I chortled, “Oh, no, nooo, that’s not us. I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was only one baby.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well then let’s take a look.” She started circling the jelly-coated wand all around my bulging belly, clucking along, with her “ah’s” and “oh’s” till I broke in impatiently.

“What do you see?”

“Whelp, there’s definitely two in there,” she said, distractedly.

“Two WHAT?” I shrieked, louder than I intended to. “Two arms, legs, hands, feet, everything it needs two of?!”

“Noooo,” she answered, looking at me like a mental patient. “Two BABIES. There are two babies in there.”

I looked at my husband, who was staggering backwards towards a chair, pale-faced with eyes bulging like a bullfrog’s. He was obviously taking a psychotic break, so I turned back towards the technician and gulped.

“So, so, so they’re healthy?”

“Yes, they look to be totally healthy. Do you want to know the gender?”

Gender. So that meant there was one gender. I had been hoping for a girl. I had observed the differences between my 2-year-old boy and my friends’ 2-year-old girls lately with much interest. The difference was this: my boy was obviously on CRACK and their girls were on XANAX. I wanted desperately to be on Xanax too, in order to counterbalance the Crack. So, yes, my multi-tasking dysfunctional self wanted to know the singular “gender” and I wanted that “gender” to have nothing swinging between its legs.

“You’re having two BOYS!” the technician announced triumphantly. Aaaaand, that’s when I decided to have my own psychotic break.

Part Two of this story is called “I’m Having Two Penises?!”

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I’m A Multi-Tasker Disaster

36 Comments on “I’m A Multi-Tasker Disaster”

    1. Ashley

      Samantha, you are wonderful. I commented a couple times on your blog today and started a Pinterest Board that is totally serious and sincere (unlike my other Boards!!) just so that I could pin your posts to it. Seriously, you amaze me. Thank you for reading!

  1. Bridgitte

    HA! You know you did. Along with “I have daydreams about throwing myself out the window.” To which I said “well that’s dumb. You won’t kill yourself, you will just break something.” “Exactly, like a leg and I will be injured and won’t be able to do anything but lie there.”

    1. Ashley

      Welllll, that’s keeping it real for me, Bridgitte Brown. Thank you ever so much for those helpful reminders of my Dark Days. ;P

  2. Uncle Dubs

    Wholly Shat! Bricks in Guinness! Haaaa – prolly right next to that biblical loaf I pinched in a balloon crash. (It landed several fields away.)

    Ya know, I AM A TWIN! O my yes, two penises in da house! We used to play lighthouse in the bathtub – do they do that yet? Hours of good clean fun!

    Your work rants have me just laffing my TGIFriday’s arse off. Really. Just funniernshit! So many bonuses in each and every line! An embarrassment of riches, Bitch! (a la Aaron Paul.) Massively satisfying!!!

    1. Ashley

      I definitely did not know you were a twin, Uncle Dubs! Very cool. I know nothing of this lighthouse game and I hope to keep it that way! Thanks for your abundance of embarrassingly rich comments! I am always on the edge of my seat. 😀

  3. Anna Herro

    Hi Ashley!!!
    My name is Anna. I used to work with your sister, Brittany. I’ve really been enjoying your blog. You are completely hysterical and an amazing writer. I love your sense of humor. You NEED to write a book someday.

    1. Ashley

      Hi, Anna! Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my blog. I’m so happy that you’re enjoying it and seriously flattered by your mention of a book. That would be my hopeful Someday. In the meantime, I sooo appreciate your being here. 😀

  4. Michelle @ Scattered Wrecks

    That’s totally what happened to me when I found out i was having two boys. I had already had my girl and I just had mother’s intuition that I was having twins. I had always wanted twins but the cuteness factor of two babies wanes when you realize that you actually need two of everything. Then you go into full on Panic. Very funny post!!

    1. Ashley

      Michelle, yes I realized after reading other posts on your blog that you have twin boys too. Two of everything for sure – thank God we had a lot of hand-me-downs and loaners from friends! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I am really enjoying your blog.

    1. Ashley

      Ha, Jennifer! Although babies are precious gifts from God (bahahaha, no seriously, they are), having two at one time is something I don’t recommend. Thanks so much for reading, girlfriend. 😀

    1. Ashley

      Thank you, Kathy!!! It WAS quite a shock…took a while to work through it. Two or three years, at least. 😉 Thanks so much for reading! 😀

    1. Ashley

      Sorry, Mary! That story freaks all pregnant women out. The ultrasound lady said it is a VERY RARE occurrence these days that they miss two babies at a 6 wk ultrasound. Best to double check though! Good luck, lol. 😀

  5. Gretchen Kellaway

    Hahahahaha!! Oh boy, Ashley- I say that with love and complete understanding.

    The last line- I was there. Baby number 3- I already had two boys. Now I had a new “baby seed donor” (the husband) surely this time there would be a girl. Surely… nope. The pity in that technicians voice when she announced the gender was too much for me. I cried and lost my sanity in an instant.

    I won’t say by baby number four I had come to terms with the knowledge I was doomed- I mean blessed- to be a boy mom for life, but I definitely didn’t cry, I just calming asked what I had to do to close up shop. Haha. I saw God’s plan, and it was rugged, rough and all out male!

    I learned to balance my constant anxiety, resting bitch face and non multi-tasking skills fairly well over the years… but sometimes it’s a test.. a right on test of my nerves and mental stability! Loved this!!

    1. Ashley

      Ohhh, Gretchen! I’m glad we can feel each other’s pain, and joy of course. 😉 One of the best things someone said to me when I was preg with the twins, right after I found out they were boys and was still tearfully sharing the news, was that God only makes certain women mothers of ONLY boys because those women know how to raise men. I’ll take it! Made me feel better, anyway. 😉

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