7 Reasons Mothers Are Like Mother Teresa

Cirque du Today12 Comments

Every time I demonstrate my superhuman ability to remain patient and calm in the midst of one of my kids’ shit-storm meltdowns of whining, complaining, crying, or general pain-in-the-assing, my husband tells me I’m Mother Teresa. In case you’re wondering, I’m not. Mother Teresa died in 1997, and anyway, she’s a lot shorter than me. I always just shake my head and mutter like a lunatic when my husband gives me this label, because he says it right as I’m about to blow my lid, and now I can’t blow my lid because then he won’t think I’m like Mother Teresa anymore. Lid-blowing or not, it must be said that in many ways, I do bear uncanny resemblances to MT. In fact, ALL mothers do. I’m over-exaggerating you say? Likening mothers to someone who’s nominated for sainthood is sacrilege you say? Are you calling me a heathen? If you knew my history, you’d know those are fightin’ words, and let’s not go there because I really hate violence (snorts in hysterical laughter). No, but seriously, here’s a better question. Do you even HAVE a mother? If so, then you should already see the following comparisons.

My adorable children…

#7 – Mother Teresa tended to the sick. Mothers are the sole caregivers, whether there is a father living in the same household or not, when one or all of their kids are sick. They are puked on, shit on, coughed on, drooled on, and cried on while dragging their unreasonable little sickos to the doctor, entertaining them whilst spending an infuriatingly long purgatory in the germ-infested waiting room, sitting on their squirming bodies when they fight to near death against getting a strep or any other kind of test, cart their miserable asses on over to the drug store where the kids make a sudden recovery and start going ape-shit in the toy aisle as the prescriptions are being prepared at a snail’s pace, and then, back at home, beg, plead, negotiate, bribe, and finally force the medicine down the sick child’s gullet to get him better ASAP. (By the way, that last part is called HEALING the sick. I don’t think MT has that one on her resume. BOOM, shawty)!

#6 – Mother Teresa fed the hungry. Mothers feed the hungry every 2 to 3 HOURS, and many of them produce the food from their very own unwieldy and leaky teats. Even beyond breastfeeding, Moms with older kids are required to serve them food on this very same demanding schedule. If it’s been 2 hours since breakfast, and the resident emaciated, ravenous 7-year-old doesn’t have a school of Goldfish in his snapping, salivating jaws, the apocalypse with its Four Hungry Horsemen will trample the pantry.

Mother Teresa - labor pic#5 – Mother Teresa took a vow of celibacy when she became a nun. Mothers take a vow of celibacy after they shoot a baby out of their hoo-ha. (Oh? You’re 10 cm dilated? Sweet! Well, FYI, you’re about to push a THIRTY-FIVE CENTIMETER HUMAN HEAD out of your vagina! To channel Austin Powers: Does that make you horny, baby? DOES IT)? Even after the six weeks of doctor-mandated abstinence, mothers stick loyally to their vow of celibacy, which is unofficially called I’m Too Tired From Being Pawed At By This Needy-Ass Kid All Day, So Get Your Damn Hands Off Me, You Sex-Crazed Caveman.

#4 – Mother Teresa gave all she had to the Needy. Please refer to #7, 6, and 5.

#3 – Mother Teresa helped to clothe the naked. Mothers have been diapering and clothing naked baby butts since the dawn of time. And come to think of it, there’s an awful lot of intentional streaking that goes on, way after infancy, possibly into the teenage years, requiring mothers to chase their children around with swaddling clothes, jock straps, or other modest garments meant to cover unsightly asses or genitalia.

#2 – Mother Teresa protected the children of Calcutta. If you mess with a mother’s children, she will CalCUTya.

 

I didn't change out of my pajamas for YEARS.

I didn’t change out of my pajamas for YEARS.

#1 – Mother Teresa sacrificed her feminine vanity by becoming a nun. Mothers sacrifice their vanity as soon as a baby starts turning their body into an alien host. Furthermore, they spend the first year of the baby’s life in yoga pants or PJs, and forget about taking the time to apply make-up, because even if they had the energy, their new 2 ½ foot tall boss isn’t gonna let them take a 5-minute beautification break. “Where do you think YOU’RE goin,’ Mama?! Where? To the bathroom to apply some Maybelline Great Lash Mascara? Aww, HAIL naw – get your ass back here and make me some damn Goldfish!”

 

 

 

7 Reasons Mothers Are Like Mother Teresa

12 Comments on “7 Reasons Mothers Are Like Mother Teresa”

  1. Ariel

    Too funny!! I think the only way most mothers differ from Saint T is believing in birth control after a certain number of kids. Yep, that’s the only difference 🙂

  2. stacey @nursemommylaughs

    CalCUTya! I love this one HARD!! OMG, I love when you pull stuff like that right out of your ass *located next to your 35cm stretched out vagina. lol!! “Sainthood isn’t for pussies” – that should be a bumper sticker, right? I loved this one.

    1. Ashley

      Stacey, that should totally be a bumper sticker. I’d wear that on a tshirt too! Maybe the Catholic church would want to get in on this marketing genius? You crack me up. Thanks so much for reading!

    1. Ashley

      Yes, yikes, Jess – that’s all still a little fresh for you! Mine was almost 8 yrs ago – the twins were a c section so actually that “burn” was 10x worse for me than shooting my oldest out the hoo-ha. Believe it or not! Thanks so much for reading!

  3. Samantha

    Seriously though- is there a statue of limitations on the “beautification” clause? I’m 8 years into it and I’m debating between updating my wardrobe or just buying new yoga pants. As for the vow of celibacy, I’m no saint. Unless I’m exhausted, then I’d rather clean and tell the local needy to let me sleep. I was cracking up especially at the last picture!

    1. Ashley

      No limitations as far as I’m concerned, Sam! My weight is yo-yoing all the time so I should prob just invest in some cute mu-mus. Yeah, that last picture is cah-razy! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂

    1. Ashley

      Omg, Lisa, I just snorted. I never considered MT smelling bad…I should’ve added that as number 8. This was my first and only list post and I was reaching, but thanks so much for reading!

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